Belonging

What does it mean to “belong”? 

Most of us instinctively know…it's home. Not necessarily a place, but the quiet certainty that we're welcome exactly as we are. 

The tragedy of not belonging anywhere is a feeling, more than anything else. It might not be objectively true, in the physical sense, or to someone watching from outside.

It might look like you belong.

But it isn't you who belong, and you know this. It's been subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, demonstrated to you all your life. The one who belongs doesn't exist, because it's a false mirror of you…like looking in the mirror and seeing someone else.

When the people around you don't mirror you benevolently…but instead paint another you in the mirror, trying to make you believe you're someone else than the essence of the person you feel in your bones that you are. 

That's when you enter this confusing maze, with the rolling mist along the pathways. You want to outrun that mist, escape it in any way possible. Because if it catches up with you, you will disappear.

Or so it feels.

You're told that they love you, that you can't doubt that. Perhaps everyone around you believes they do. You even try to believe it yourself. But somewhere, beneath all the explanations, your nervous system knows something isn't right. 

Then slowly, over the years, you realize that this isn't love. There's no understanding of love anywhere in this world that includes the critical, annoyed scrutiny of your whole being…all your physical and emotional expressions, sometimes descending into outright attacks. Especially when no one is watching.

That's when reality hits you. You know that without that benevolent gaze, that loving mirroring…what you're presented with isn't love. Because love SEES you, and accepts you. It doesn't constantly compare you to some intangible ideal, that you're inevitably and perpetually falling short of.

So, if you're not the one they try to make you believe that you are, the one in the false mirror…then who are you? How can you find your way back to yourself?

Thus begins the search, sometimes the years of searching, for that feeling of home. In different places, with different people. It might involve moving, or putting connections on hold…or simply changing the context that you find yourself in. 

And you definitely don't need to constantly subject yourself to the false mirroring. Have the courage to put a stop to that. Raise some scaffolding and protect yourself, you're entitled to it. What's more, your inner child needs it, needs you…and has been waiting a long time for that protection.

But your inner child doesn't just need protection…he or she needs love, needs the EXPERIENCE of love.

And I'm not referring to any kind of romantic notion of love here. I mean the benevolent, accepting, unconditional mirroring that you never had growing up. It's a re-parenting that starts with the feeling of love. Write loving letters to yourself, take “self love” hypnotherapy sessions, start microdosing, go to therapy…anything that helps thaw the frozen state, and start FEELING.

After hiding from scrutiny for so long, getting back in touch with your feelings isn't actually a walk in the park. It's more like a dance on roses. It can hurt — deeply.

Be gentle with yourself. Spend as much time as you need just grieving and loving…grieving and loving…

Commit to accepting whatever you'll find on this journey as part of yourself, of your experience…WITHOUT judgement or condemnation.

Forgive yourself for the self abandonment that you've been coaxed into performing. Just admitting this and accepting the accountability for yourself and your life, can be incredibly challenging…like walking blindfolded into the forest. It also takes time.

So let it take whatever time it needs. The more you get to know and accept yourself…the more you get to choose the expression of who you are, of who you're becoming — with more integrity, with more confidence, than ever before.

One day, you realize…that you're finally able to accept yourself, just as you are…as your home.

And you can welcome yourself home…in loving recognition.

That’s where you always belonged.